Tonight we left our friend's Halloween party because I needed to follow through with a parenting decision I had made. I gave my boys a warning before entering their home that if I had to 'ask' anything of them (quit fighting, be nice, settle down, etc.) that we'd leave. Sticks were being thrown, so I didn't even say anything. Just held their hand and picked up their costumes and said good-bye. I was embarrassed. I care too much what other people think.
This weekend was wonderful. But I was unable to completely enjoy it because I let the way my children acted get to me. We drove down in the middle of the night to be with my family as my dad was called to serve in his Stake Presidency. During the meeting my boys were acting like boys. We pulled out the iPod to try to help, but it didn't. I realize that 3 hours is a long time to sit and be still, but I don't think it was too much to ask of them to be quiet. I was emotional and frustrated and fuming. I was embarrassed that my children were 'those kids' being naughty, and of course, because of the situation, we sat as close to the front as we dared. The front row in the cultural hall, with all the elderly and hard of hearing (because the families of those called and released took up the chapel). I had to get up and leave the meeting because I was crying of embarrassment. I could see the little old ladies shaking their heads with the eyes in the back of my head. I care too much about what others were thinking of me; trying to contain my children.
Last Sunday, I also missed the opportunity to fully feel of the sweet spirit that was present during our ward's Primary Program. Because my almost six-year-old son had two wranglers that were allowing him to play with their necklaces, earnings, hair pieces, sweaters, and bracelets, I was so utterly distracted by his lack of self control and bad behavior, that I thought he was distracting everyone else. Again, I care too much about what other people think about me, my parenting, my lack of parenting, everything.
*sigh*
I don't know what to do. I obviously raised my children to act like this, but I thought I was 'doing it right'...so what am I doing wrong? Why do I care what others think? And why can't my boys be still at the appropriate times? Why can't I enjoy them? Why am I so frustrated? Why am I afraid of failing my children? My spouse? My Heavenly Father? Do I not care enough or do I care too much?
Heavy.
I'm pretty fragile right now, and pretty discouraged. How do I teach my children to be 'still' and how to be noticed, but not the spectacle of embarrassment in these situations?
With having to leave town so quickly on Saturday, and on such short notice, I had to change some plans. Happy to do so, I made some necessary phone calls. We were raised that 'family comes first', and so we make our family a priority. I don't regret having to drop everything and run. I'd do it again for any one of my family members, Ryan's family included. I just pray that those I let down can forgive me. Despite the calls I made, I forgot to call and cancel other commitments that I had. I remembered these appointments all while my children were throwing punches at me and whining that the iPod game was too hard, during an inspiring talk and counsel from a General Authority. I was going to lose it right there. I held it together long enough for it to look like I was getting up to go after one of my boys that had walked out, and then I lost it in the hallway by the men's restroom. It was at this moment that I felt pretty down-trodden. Pretty flaky. And like maybe I'm doing too much? I don't know.
Overwhelming.
I am a people pleaser. I like it when I've done a good job (at a task or event, at raising my children, at teaching them something, at fulfilling a responsibility, and succeeding) and anything less than a job well done is failing for me. Ugh. Frustrates me to no end that I feel like this! I know I need to be gentle with myself, but am I just setting myself up for misery by trying to succeed? By wanting the best? By trying to be what I know I should and then slipping up and thinking all is lost?
This "I can do anything but I can't do everything" motto is really hard. I care too much.
16 comments:
My advice is to ask other Mommies that you trust what they feel has been their most effective parenting tool in preventing such occurrences. Then, try some of the things they suggest that seem right to you.
That's what I do whenever I feel I have "missed something" in parenting that others seems to have mastered. Because the truth is there is always something we miss and always something each of us, as parents, have mastered.
I think if parents work together we can fill in eachother's gaps.
Take heart. We ALL feel this way.
I am right there with ya. Sometimes the way my kids act embarrasses me SO much. There are times when I've wondered what have I done wrong in raising them (mostly my oldest) and I am constantly on the search for answers to help tame the chaos. Honestly. My first thing has been to stop trying to be embarrassed. Kids will be kids, boys will be boys, and I try to remember what do I think when I see those crazy kids in the store (when by some miracle mine are behaving) am I judging? No. I am thinking, I have been there, it is rough. I also think, I am glad that I am not the only one struggling with that. I then smile at the kid, smile at the mom, and smile to myself. This makes me realize that perhaps I am not being judged. Perhaps the little old ladies and remembering days gone by, the moms with older kids are thanking their lucky stars to be out of that phase, and the other young moms are right there in the game with me. As for sundays, they are hard. We have specific Sunday church toys that the boys only see during sacrament meeting. This helps quite a bit. I made some dry erase activity books, a temple plush with finger puppets, a few church related flip books, they have beads and shoelaces, a fabric "paper doll", a magnetic Noah set, a book of mormon quiet book, I spy bags, a fleece marble maze, and honestly my oldest ones favorite thing is an old spice container with large holes that he sticks cotton swabs in and out of. It is hard to find the middle ground while raising kids. We have to simply keep striving to do OUR best but also leave room for the personalities, bad moods, excessive energy, hungriness, tiredness, etc. of our kids. Hang in there! ;)
Deanna you really need to not be so hard on yourself. I read these three situations and I'm more upset at the people staring at you than anything. Throwing sticks? What kid doesn't do that at a party? Crying in church that is THREE HOURS LONG, been there done that! Playing with primary teachers clothing during a "reverent moment" check! All of us has been there, and we have to remind ourselves that even though our child is the one currently doing it others have done it as well. Advice? Well, one thing that I forget to do more often than not is to pray for guidance. Heavenly Father knows your boys best and he will help you know what you need to do to help them. I know that is so vague, and you are probably already doing it, but really it is the best advice I've ever received from someone. I do notice when I consciously praying for Lily things go better for her, and things go better with my patience. Good luck, and remember you are not alone in this area {{HUGS}}
I remember when Wade and I moved in and we sat behind you guys for the first couple weeks and we would always say how cute your boys were and wade would say, "I would love to have three boys and no girls!" We think you are awesome, and for the record, I didn't even notice your boys in the program being naughty! You are a great mother, you just need some icecream! [which i have rocky road in my freezer..] :)
-kar
Oh, Deanna! I feel your pain! Last Sunday we found ourselves (all 6) sitting outside in the foyer during sacrament meeting because we couldn't contain our voices or bodies! My boys were of course the ones running around and being incredibly noisy during Anthony's setting apart as missionaries! I was so embarrassed when I had to haul them out..not once...but twice! And then it happen the next week when Anthony's brother got set apart in a bishopric! Hang in there and take all the great advice that has already been said...If I have learned anything in the last three years, its that people are very rarely thinking what I think they are thinking of me!
If you ever what to swap "horror" stories, give me a call...
Hon, you know how I feel, but here it is again....YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MOMMY!!! Those boys are SO cute and SO completely NORMAL!! I'm sorry you're struggling, it breaks my heart that you're feeling that way.
PLEASE cut yourself some slack....you're doing your best and those boys are GOING to try you (that's our children's jobs, right??)
I love you and think you are FABULOUS!! (And those little boys do too!!) <3
This is too deep to talk about in a normal blog post, so call me, ok?
Almost everyone left within fifteen minutes of you guys leaving, so you really didn't miss anything. And I enjoyed your pepper jelly for breakfast this morning. I don't think there will be anything left to return to you the way I've craved it all night and all morning :-)
Deanna. There are times when I feel much the same as you do, but I've been trying to learn to "enjoy the ride" more. Some of the things that I can allow to drive me nuts about my kids are just part of who they are. They are learning. They are growing. They are still little children.
What do you consider as success and failure? If success in parenting was only defined as having "well-behaved children" then we would all be failures. God himself would be a failure, Deanna. I think real failure would be to raise children that couldn't be happy with themselves and understand their own unique gifts and personalities. Who didn't think that I loved them unless they were being "perfect." I think success is raising children who know that you love them, who love each other, who love themselves, and who love God.
My own "failings" in parenting are something that I have stuggled with on a regular basis. But like I said, I am trying to learn a better way. If I base my happiness or my "success" on having "perfect" children, I am going to have a lot of years - if not a lifetime - of disappointment. If I only think that God loves me when I reach "perfection", I'm going to spend my life hating myself.
They're just children, Deanna. And so are you. As you turn to Him, he'll teach you a better way. I know, because I'm going through the same thing daily. Laugh more, "lower" your expectations, and be kinder with yourself. You're doing a beautiful job. You have a beautiful life with three lively and happy children.
Pray for your children and yourself...He knows what your boys and you need. And think of it this way...if you saw someone else's kids acting up would you think "oh my what a terrible mother she is..." Most likely not...I like this quote..."Be who you are say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter". You are a wonderful mom, don't let Satan convince you otherwise!! Hang in there!
First of all, what great advice already! I have had many a thought, many a fear on this matter. I completely relate to what you have said. I know my little guy is still probably young enough for his good or bad behavior to pass as disposition, rather than my parenting skills, but not for long! I think that's something to remember though. Nurture and nature. There are angel children whose temperament have nothing to do with their parents, and high-spirits who don't either.
I wanted to be a mom a long while before I was. I remember watching other moms and how they reacted to their children's behavior at church. Relief Society is such a quiet meeting where every baby noise is definitely noticed. But I loved watching the babies. As a bystander, I could look around and see lots of loving eyes watching that mom and sweet baby. All those empty arms wanted to hold him/her. Nobody in the room was bothered by a little noise. As I watched moms leave the meeting, embarrassedly packing up her things, I told myself I would remember to not be in such a hurry to leave. I also told myself to remember those empty arms and not be too proud to ask for help. And it makes their day.
Now that I'm there, Jett and I have made friends with some helpers. I know just who to sit by who will be happy to take over when my wiggling boy has worn out my lap. My Uncle Blake is also a good reminder to me when I'm about to head to hallway, "You're not giving up already, are you?" DON'T BE SO EMBARRASSED. If you saw someone else caring for your same children, trying the exact same techniques, or maybe a new one that works!, you wouldn't think it was as big of a distraction as you do in your own shoes. Remember it takes a village to raise a child, so don't forget about them!! Take some pressure off of yourself. Let others try their own magic.
Obviously you were referring to your older children for the most post. All I can say is that I sooo look forward to the primary program!! It is always hilarious, entertaining, and cute, with a perfect sprinkling of the spirit. While you wanted to hide, I'm sure most of the congregation got a kick out of it. "Find joy in the journey." As much as we all envision our children growing to be perfect versions of ourselves (because we know EXACTLY what to avoid!), they won't be. They are individuals that come with their own unique set of temptations and talents.
I also think it's a good thing for kids to have hard consequences. You and I took the same classes. We know that consistency is the key to kids knowing our expectations. As a teacher, I know where I'm slacking and why my students are noisy when I ignore them, and have great behavior when I'm constantly on top of it. I also try to remember what it is like to be a student and how long and boring some lectures are (I really can listen while doodling on my notebook, and it helps me to take a drink or bathroom break and then I can refocus). I say pick your battles--and it sounds like church is a main one!
Please disregard any of my advice that makes you feel less of me. I just wanted to share my perspective in hopes that it is comforting and encouraging. Love ya!
Deanna,
First, you have some amazing and smart friends.
Second, you are so brave to really bare your frustrations and insecurities.
Third, I feel like you put into words what I have been struggling with myself and especially have been letting get me down, this very day.
My suggestion is to talk to a good friend, anyone that posted here would most likely be a good choice. I had a good friend help put things in perspective for me last week. It seems I need to take my own advice and get another dose of perspective. I was feeling sorry for myself today. Good luck and I have faith in you! Thank you!
Just so you know, I personally thought it was great that you followed through on a consequence. In my opinion that makes you both brave, and a good mom. I was really glad to see that teaching your boys good behavior was your priority. Thanks for being a good example, you really are a great mom.
You have some pretty wonderful friends who care about you alot! Me included! My heart aches for you during these hard times. You do your best and let the Lord pick up the rest. The only person you have to answer to is the Lord so forget about everybody else! I also commend you for following through with the consequenses you set! You are a wonderful mommy, wife & friend. This too shall pass! Love you!
Wow, D! Some great advice already! I don't think I can add much else! But I do want to say that also as a mother of three little boys (almost the same exact ages), I understand! And YOU'RE DOING FINE! They're just boys. I have to remind myself that every day. People often tell me-- when I get embarrassed and apologize for their behavior--- that THEY DON'T MIND AS MUCH AS I THINK THEY DO! There are some rude, judgmental people out there, but honestly, I don't think people notice the misbehavior as much as the mom does! Don't worry about it! You're doing fine! Something that has helped at our house is practicing how to be reverent for FHE. Good luck, and I'm right there with ya.
I really don't have anything to add...which is why I haven't yet. But, I just want to you to know, you are and AWESOME woman. An AMAZING mother. And, you did the right thing. It feels good to be verified in your actions. So, I am verifying you. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Even though it is hard. You have to follow through with your actions. And you did.
Just, keep your head up. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT, AND WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!
So . . . I'm a little late on the reading and commenting . . . so late that perhaps you might not even read this. But just wanted to say that as I started reading this I was thinking "Oh my heck how did she know that just happened so me too?" and as I read on I thought "Oh my this is like twilight zone." Seriously you summed up me in one blog post and how my life seems to be going lately. Doesn't help but want you to know that we are going through it together at the same time! I don't have any advice to give but would willingly receive some :) I don't think you need advice you are an amazing mother. You summed it up when you said they were being boys and yeah sometimes they are just that. Putting all lessons you've given them aside, they are boys and sometimes they just act like it despite it all. So I think you just need to move next to me and we can let our boys be boys together and you and I can drown our sorrows in ice cream!
Post a Comment